Dear Mr. Twix

In all fairness, you’re not the only confectionery magnate who is currently experiencing some absolutely slipshod QC processes, but I have recently acquired a package of your “Cookie Dough” Twix and honestly –

Look, I’m mad at the standards of candy manufacturers across the board. It’s not just you, okay? It’s you too, mind you, but it’s not just you… however, you have the dubious honor of showing me the absolute most jacked candy QC I have experienced in years, and so, you are going to get it, as they say, with both barrels. And so, sir, I ask you a very simple question: what the absolute fuck?

Let's not even get into what the “cookie dough flavored creme” is just right now. Let’s talk about its alignment on the goddamn cookie. The creme layer on this fucking chocolate bar is offset so far to the side of the cookie that it looks like a goddamn bike lane on a Seattle street. It’s so far to the left that if you were plotting it on one of those political compasses the cookie would be “fascist” while the creme would be “anti-state anarchist.” It’s so far offset I wonder if Marmaduke snuck his way into your factory and decided to re-enact one of his “hilarious” Sunday strips from the 1960s where the whole punchline is that a dog will push you off the bed so he can sleep while you are forced to make coffee in your stupid striped pyjamas and stocking hat. It’s so far offset Johannes Gutenberg would look at your candy bar and immediately invent kerning. John von Neumann probably looked at this chocolate bar just slightly before he was inspired to invent zero-indexed arrays. The creme layer reminds me of a book, in that the copyright page is usually facing the title page.

You might think, sir, that I care too much about this, but I gotta say - I don’t. You know why I don’t? Because I was curious to see if the next of your eponymous bars in this package had the same misconfiguration. And you know what? It didn’t! In fact, it had AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT MISCONFIGURATION. For the second bar in the package, the creme layer was somehow canted at a ten-degree angle to the cookie, somehow leaving an air gap on the right side of the cookie. This was pretty remarkable to me, in all honesty - I could see how the creme layer could be misapplied like the circuit tracings on a Temu-sold StrawberryPi ripoff discount microcomputer, but I cannot for the life of me figure out how a presumably-liquid layer was applied to this cookie in such a fashion as to look like a solitary sailboat trying and about to fail at outrunning a hurricane. Seriously, if this creme layer was a 1994 Jeep Wrangler it would be about to test out its roll cage. This creme layer is canted at such an angle that it looks like a house I used to rent with a failing foundation, where you could roll a marble down the dining room and we had to keep the sliding glass door held shut with a bungee cord. Make this chocolate one-hundred times bigger and we could use it as a fricking water slide. Seriously, we could use this creme layer as a slump test kit to determine whether ketchup is fancy or extra fancy. I’m not joking with you here, sir, this creme layer is so tilted that Tony Hawk is about to do a phat 360 nosegrind down this chocolate bar.

Believe it or not, sir, this isn’t even the end of the QC fails in these chocolate bars. On the packaging, you show this nice distribution of brown speckled bits in the creme layer, whatever the hell creme actually is and whatever the hell those brown speckled bits are. In reality, the creme layer is split into fucking zones like an incompetently assembled burrito. The first bite of this goddamn candy bar was crunchy with sugar crystals just, you know, hanging out there in the supposedly properly mixed creme filling, the next bite or two were just straight creme, no crumbly bits or brown bits, just beige sugary nonsense, and then at the end of the candy bar? BOOM. HAVE ALL THE BROWN SPECKLED BITS ALL AT ONCE. If you were to strip the chocolate coating off this candy bar it would look like a children’s science textbook depiction of a magnet, with all the little pluses restricted to one end of the bar. In another one of the bars, one end was distinctly salty, of all things, while the middle was insipid creme. Are you applying some sort of weird reverse osmosis system to your creme delivery system to ensure the brown speckly bits are confined to one side of the resulting bars? Are the brown speckly bits being applied to the creme like that stupid Parmesan cheese commercial where the old Italian men complain that the kid waiter is missing the plate with the overtopped cheese? Are you actually sorting your creme ingredients through the Dewey Decimal System and not bothering to mix them before applying the creme to the cookie? Are you fighting some paperclip-maximizer AI over the brown crunchy bits and doing your best to get the bars out of your factory before the AI steals all the bits? Seriously it’s like the chocolate gravel in one of Mr. Carvel’s cakes, except his are applied consistently across the entire cake while you shoved all of your brown speckly bits into an exclusion zone like the cookie straddles the imaginary 30-kilometer-from-Chernobyl line. Are you spinning the creme through a centrifuge to concentrate each bar’s brown speckly bits at one side like you’re separating homogenized liquid before performing a Western blot?

Seriously, sir, the QC on these chocolate bars is SO BAD I’m sincerely worried about a Willy Wonka type situation, except instead of being the one-in-a-millionth kid who gets a golden ticket, I’m the kid who gets the single candy bar you produce that contains a fatal dose of arsenic, and what is that doing in your factory anyway?

Also: the creme doesn’t taste like cookie dough, it tastes like Dollar General artificial vanilla extract.

In summary: hire more QC engineers. This shit is embarrassing.

Sincerely,

Alex Parise