I thought that I was long past trying to get into the heads of every snack food CEO and trying to decipher the rationale behind their whims and fancies, trying to judge the impulses that led to Mad Lord Snapcase-level decisions like Baja Blast Doritos. I thought I’d grown
Dear Mr. Slim, Dude, I recently got myself a box of your Vlasic Dill Pickle Slim Jim Smoked Snack Sticks, and I gotta tell you man, I’m starting to lose the thread here. For the last couple years, all of you snack purveyors have seen fit to bombard us
Dear Mr. Vlasic, Thanks for coming to talk to me today, I really appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule. No, no, I don’t actually need anything from you. This is what they call a come-to-Jesus, Mr. Vlasic. I’m worried about you. The stress has
Dear Mr. Mate, It is the year 2025, and we are constantly being bombarded by man-made horrors that should be beyond our comprehension. I can barely open the internet in the morning without fear of what new dipshit move our President has pulled overnight, you leave your house and BAM
Dear Mr. Subway, Even though it functions more as proof that God is dead, Hell is empty, and that the devils are all here, than it does as a tasty dessert, I have found myself compelled to try the war crime you euphemistically call your Footlong Oreo Cookie. I’m
Have you ever read one of those terrible literary novels that are, like, set at a small midwestern college, maybe somewhere in Ohio, and the plot is all about a professor whose marriage is falling apart, and then he has a tragically doomed affair with a, like, sophomore or something,
As a longtime patron of yours, recent visits to your store on North Lombard in Portland have left me wondering a very specific question: why do you fucking hate your customers? Every single time I go to your store, my experience as a customer is worse, and it's
May was a really terrible month for computer peripherals for me. Early in the month, one of my terrible pissgoblins who masquerade as cats decided that my beloved Model M keyboard might work really well as a litterbox and, little scientist that he is, decided that right then was time
I have recently acquired a packet of your Baja Fiery Mango Doritos, and I am hard pressed to say who I’m most disappointed with: you, for making them, Mr. Dew, for allowing you to corrupt their already less-than-honorable name with this product, myself, for buying them, or God, for
In all fairness, you’re not the only confectionery magnate who is currently experiencing some absolutely slipshod QC processes, but I have recently acquired a package of your “Cookie Dough” Twix and honestly – Look, I’m mad at the standards of candy manufacturers across the board. It’s not just
I have long thought that there exists no better fried cornmeal snack concoction with which to contemplate our shared reality than your fine product, Funyuns. Consider the humble Funyun: a weirdly thick and tall toroid of extruded and fried corn batter, which is then rolled in MSG and salt and
Until today, in the grand scheme of brand alliances, every one that I’ve seen has fallen into one of two categories: pairings that make sense, and pairings that are so outlandish that they at least don’t cause cognitive dissonance. Cadbury Dairy Milk and Oreos? You know what, fine,