Dear Mr. Signatures
Historical note: “Sad Bachelor’s Dear Mr. Corporation COVID Thanksgiving Extravaganza 2020!”, the Final Post.
Dear Mr. Signatures,
Listen man, we have to talk.
Creativity is ok. Truly it is. Everyone should be creative. But true creativity isn’t just throwing words together into a maximalist salad. Caramel Cookie Crust Apple Creme Pie is not a thing. Just throwing all those words together doesn’t make it a thing. I can play that sort of game too. Salamander Automobile Wrist Book Building. See? Same number of words. Not a thing.
But now you’re gonna respond to me, and I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say “It is so a thing, you only know all those words got saladed together like that because you bought the freezer pie with my name and all those words on it.” Well, sure, but also you were so preoccupied with whether you should, etc, etc, look at me I’m a Jeff Goldblum.
Look at what you made. Look at it. This is the least appetizing pie that has ever been pied. I’ve now eaten a slice, and I still have no idea what half the shit on it was. The little extruded creme poops? I don’t know what they were. The rabbit poop looking balls that tasted vaguely like caramel and had the texture of wet cardboard? Really got no clue what they were. The shards of flavor scattered like autumn leaves across the top? Big shrug over here from me.
The only word on the package that isn’t a lie is the word “pie.” It is, indeed, a pie. Many things are pies, however. Pizza is a pie. Mud pies are pies. This is not a hotdog, nor a sandwich, nor a hotdog sandwich. This is an overly sweet pie that you just kept throwing adjectives (and sugar) at until such time as someone with sense and a lack of self-preservation threw their body on the gears and said “Enough!”
Oh and also I almost forgot, the apples tasted really weird and weren’t slices, did you extrude them too?
Maybe you should take a long look at your life, Mr. Signatures, and remember the good old days when you made simple pies. Apple pie. Pumpkin pie. Pecan pie. Remember that warm kitchen, bathed in golden light, holding your mawmaw’s hand, rolling out a simple dough? You don’t need to keep chasing the next high, Mr. Signatures. There is a beauty in simplicity. Take a deep breath, and go discover it.
Sincerely,
Alex Parise
[Originally published 11/26/2020]
