Dear Mr. Pepsi
I’ll admit it right here and now: I gave you the benefit of the doubt.
I won’t deny that when when I learned of the existence of your PEPSI x PEEPS marshmallow-cola flavored mineral water, I was disgusted. The gorge, sir, did indeed rise in my throat. But that reaction – sane though it was, and more sane than your Flavor Science Department by a long shot – was mostly a conceptual reaction.
Between ordering this product of yours, and being confronted with its Minion-ass can in real life, I had time to think about it. This time that I was afforded to Consider The Peep led to two major considerations. One was positive for you, the other not so much. Please remember this, because it will become important later, and there will be a test.
The first consideration was that, conceptually disgusting as this soda may be, it probably wouldn’t taste that bad. Realistically, if you consider the dry ingredients that go into both Peeps and Pepsi, they’re, like, what, 98% the same? And the vast majority of that remaining 2% is gelatin, which isn’t found in Pepsi and is both mostly tasteless, and had better freakin’ not be found in the ingredients list of your refreshing cola nut beverage. So I figured, we’re left with approximately a 0.025% difference in dry ingredients between a “cute” marshmallow rabbit or chick, and a can of Pepsi, so like, how bad could it be, right?
Boy, was I wrong.
The second consideration, though. Hooooooooo boy that second consideration. There I sat, harmlessly – or so I thought – doomscrolling one night after work, which in any other year wouldn’t have been a problem. But this year, oh this year… When I should have been harmlessly doomscrolling, what should I learn but: there are Dr. Pepper flavored Peeps.
This immediately threw me off my kilter, Mr. Pepsi. Sure, we’re all aware of the ongoing history of the Cola Wars, starting from the great Thirty Liters War between King Cokinand of Spain and your own family, the Hapepsibergs of Austria, up through the Crystal Pepsi and New Coke debacle of the eighties, even through today’s honestly bizarre feints, attacks, and retreats of Dreamworld Coke and PEPSI x PEEPS. To be blunt, I figured this was some oblique agreement between you and Mr. Cola to tempt America’s Troubadour, Mr. Joel, to record a new version of “We Didn’t Start The Fire.” (‘Starlight Peeps new cola wars, I can’t take it anymore’) Because, what else could this just plain WEIRD behavior out of the two of you accomplish?
I thought through all the implications of the above, and then I said to myself, Alex, Mr. Pepsi just wants to move product, he isn’t planning the Grand Strategery you’re thinking in your head. Let it alone. And so I did, up until the moment I tightened my belt, girded my loins, and, with trepidation in my heart, cracked that 7.5oz can of PEPSI x MINIONS x PEEPS and took a sip.
Oh, the thoughts that went through my head on that first sip. First and foremost: Oh G-d. Second: Why would a loving god allow this to exist? Third: Is that fake marshmallow flavor or fire retardant foam? Fourth: Whichever, fake marshmallow and cola do not work together, even if you added some vanilla, which you didn’t. Fifth: All those thoughts that you were thinking, Alex? They were probably right.
And so, Mr. Pepsi, I now understand your strategy in this newest theater of the Cola Wars. We all thought that they’d been at a simmer for the longest time, and perhaps they were! But you have not been resting on your laurels during this armistice, no. You have been planning, you have been plotting, and you have been gathering your forces to you.
To fully understand this tactic, however, we have to look back in history. As we all know, the main belligerents in the Cola Wars are you and your rival, Mr. Cola. For the longest time, you, Mr. Cola, and Mr. Crown maintained an even footing in the war, until Mr. Crown slipped and his hopes in the war were dashed in the Diet of Rite in 1969. Mr. Crown fought gamely on after that, but he was consistently in the rear, and eventually he abdicated, handing his armies and lands to Mr. Pepper in the Year of Our Lord 2000.
Mr. Pepper knew he was a small fry, and he gamely stayed out of your war with Mr. Cola… or at least so we all thought. The Cola Wars have seemed to be at a stalemate for the last two decades, or at least they’ve seemed so to us consumers. But in the last few years, we’ve been seeing all these novel variants on both your, and Mr. Cola’s, core products. A simpler mind would think it a branding risk, but… well, you survived Crystal Pepsi so perhaps there isn’t a risk that your brand can’t handle.
While the War has seemed to simmer, in the last year, it has heated up. Your rival, Mr. Cola, has been releasing a series of unhinged cola beverages straight at your front lines. Until I sipped your PEPSI x PEEPS I assumed you were content to maintain a steady front line and not respond… But now I see what game you’ve been playing.
For who can forget the use your ancestors, the Hapepsiburgs, put mercenaries to in the initial engagements of the aforementioned Thirty Liters War. The facile interpretation of this new cola of yours is that you’ve engaged only the services of Mr. Born’s PeepWater mercenary force. But that can’t be, can it? For Mr. Born has also enlisted your old rival, Mr. Pepper’s DoctorForce to join in his fight. So now, on the great battlefield, we can see your forces emplaced: your own armies, Mr. Pepper’s armies, and Mr. Born’s mobile cavalry units. You are obviously planning to engage Mr. Cola head-on, and then encircle and crush his forward artillery with your hired mercenaries.
But! Your plan doesn’t stop there! For through the genius of your Marketing Department, you have enlisted the most feared units in modern warfare: Wine Moms Who Share Minion Memes on Facebook.
I can see it now, Mr. Pepsi. Your army and Mr. Cola’s army facing each other across a river, a mighty river which none can ford. And then… seemingly unbeknownst to you, Mr. Cola engages Mr. Nestle to steal all the water from the river, and it goes dry, and his forces press the attack! But! You already knew! Your army was prepared! And then Mr. Born and Mr. Pepper swing in from the wings, and pin Mr. Cola’s army down! And then…
No, I cannot even bear to think of it. But I suppose I must.
Then – the Wine Moms sweep down from on high.
It’s a bold gambit, Mr. Pepsi: your own forces, mercenaries, a previously defeated enemy, and the most recent incarnation of the Wild Hunt. You might win the Cola Wars for good with this sort of strategery. But remember, sir: the Wine Moms are a fickle bunch. You cannot buy them, you must court them. And with all due respect to your Marketing Department, your oh-so-Minion cans of PEPSI x PEEPS might not be enough. And so it is with humbleness that I offer the two attached crayon concept sketches of PEPSI x PEEPS x MINIONS x THIRTY LITERS WAR x WINE MOM memes, which may help win over those capricious, yet deadly, irregular troops.
I wish you the sincerest luck on the battlefield, sir, because if PEPSI x PEEPS is the best you can do, you obviously won’t be winning the Cola Wars on taste.
Sincerely,
Alex Parise
