Dear Mr. Nancy

Alex Parise

25 Nov 2020 — 2 min read

Historical note: “Sad Bachelor’s Dear Mr. Corporation COVID Thanksgiving Extravaganza 2020!”, continued!

Dear Mr. Nancy,

Look, I know I shouldn’t expect much out of frozen quiche. On one hand, it seems like it would be fine, on the other hand, I dunno, frozen eggs never work out right. (Well, I guess frozen eggs works as a fertility treatment, that is a thing medical professionals do, but also you wouldn’t go and eat those, would you?)

So color me shocked when this frozen quiche lorraine that I purchased from my local Mr. Meyer’s actually worked out! Well, I mean, it’s terrible as food, but I figure, now that I’m eating it, that “food” wasn’t actually your goal at all!

The texture of the eggs didn’t didn’t make sense to me at first - they’re runny and a little sticky and a little goopy and really kinda bad. But as I ate more, I realized that the texture of the crust was exactly identical to the texture of the sawdust that’s thrown off when you cut American White Oak with a wide-kerf blade on a Craftsman table saw. Then it made sense! Sawdust! Glue! Bacon shavings! This isn’t food, this is a conceptual gastronomic experience of what it would be like to chow down on an artisanal woodshop in New Hampshire!

With salt.

What a fantastic experience! Here I thought that I would just be eating a frozen quiche, and instead, here I am, pretending to be a kaiju in my own mind, closing in on Dixville Notch. They’re so proud of being the first town in the country to vote in each presidential election, I wonder if they’ll be proud to be the first town to be eaten by Alexzilla the Kaiju! I’M COMING FOR YOU, DIXVILLE MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Even the terrible instructions help round out this beautiful dream. “Bake at 400 for 25 minutes.” Look what happened when I baked it at 400 for twenty minutes: burnination. AND YES, JUST LIKE THIS QUICHE, I WILL BURNINATE YOU, DIXVILLE NOTCH.

I’M COMING RIGHT FOR YOU. THAT’S RIGHT, DIXVILLE, YOU’RE IN A TIGHT SPOT.

So thank you. While I can’t recommend your quiche as food, it is 100% perfect as a critical piece of any Godzilla cosplay.

Sincerely,
Alex Parise

[Originally published 11/26/2020]

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