Dear Mr. Michelina
Historical note: “Sad Bachelor’s Dear Mr. Corporation COVID Thanksgiving Extravaganza 2020!”, continued!
Dear Mr. Michelina,
When I found your frozen goods at my local grocer’s, imagine how excited I was! Food hand prepared by the very man who gives stars to the fanciest restaurants across the globe! Surely, I thought, this would be an amazing experience, the finest noodles, the fanciest nuclear-yellow coal-tar derived artificial cheese food product, the silkiest texture!
Mr. Michelina, you have lied to me. You’re not that man at all.
I knew I was in trouble when I took the package out of the freezer and felt the brick of starch and petroleum products start bouncing in its microwavable packaging. I wasn’t certain I’d survive the experience when I opened the package to vent it in the microwave and noticed the distinctive turkey-track cracks in the facade of cheese sauce. And, I’m not gonna lie, I retched and said “oh lord oh god oh no” when I opened the package and the distinctive aroma of black lung smacked me in the face.
Mr. Michelina… no. This macaroni and cheese is an abomination. It is an assault on every sense I possess. From the color (which looks like it belongs on a fruit that cures scurvy), to the aroma (as mentioned, of black lung), to the taste (coal tar, lead, a hint of lactic acid, and putrescent potato peels) - to the mouthfeel (lightly sauteed banana slugs swimming in a bath of latex paint).
Mr. Michelina, you get no stars. This product more resembles 3-ply radial tires than it does food. Please go sit in the corner of your grocer’s freezer case, and think about what you’ve done.
Sincerely,
Alex Parise
[Originally published 11/26/2020]
