Dear Mr. Idahoan

Historical note: “Sad Bachelor’s Dear Mr. Corporation COVID Thanksgiving Extravaganza 2020!”, continued!

Dear Mr. Idahoan,

Your Baby Reds Mashed Potatoes - a version of your standard mashed potatoes that I assume was invented the day a peeling machine went down and started leaving some peels behind, and y’all just decided it was better to change your marketing than it was to throw out an entire warehouse of potatoes - claim to have “homemade taste in minutes.” This is a confusing statement! It is both right and wrong: Let me explain -- no wait, there is too much, let me sum up.

One the one hand, it is a true statement! When I’m not busy writing letters to the men behind vast corporations -- and when there isn’t a pandemic on -- I’m a beer judge. I judge a lot of homemade beer. And one very common flaw in homemade beer is diacetyl, which is also used in artificial butter flavoring. These “homemade” ‘taters of yours taste of diacetyl so strongly that yes, yes indeed, they do remind me of homemade beer… though not in a good way. In fact, it’s in a rather bad way.

On the other hand, if these potatoes taste homemade to you, I wonder what sort of home you grew up in. While the overall consistency of these here ‘taters is remarkably paste-like, despite having followed directions, there are these little clots and clumps of non-rehydrated potato matter that are just, like, hanging out, ready to be caught in a molar to stick around as a snack for later. Frankly, I’m beginning to wonder if your name -- Idahoan -- is a name that was passed down through generations, like “Smith” - yes, your family once beat steel into shape, but you have never actually seen a potato in your life. Are you actually from Idaho, Mr. Idahoan? Or is this some bullshit marketing gimmick and you’re actually a middle manager named Steve from Connecticut? When you say “homemade” do you mean “taste like leftover paper spreadsheets from Aetna?”

In theory, you’re the expert on potatoes in the room, but I’m thinking you may want to actually go grub around in the dirt and get yourself an actual “potato” and take Samwise’s advice - boil it, mash it, stick it in a stew. Maybe try it with butter instead of a liberal shot of artificial butter flavoring. And don’t think you can just grab another handful of paper spreadsheets from the Iron Mountain shred bin - I, like the potatoes, have got my eye on you.

Sincerely,

Alex Parise

[Originally published 11/26/2020]