Dear Mr. Cola [+XP Edition]

I find myself in the unfortunate position of writing you once again, sir, because I recently found myself in the excellent situation of taking a road trip with my most lovely ladyfriend, and on that road trip unfortunately came across yet another of your new line of conceptually flavored sodas, in this case, “+XP flavored” Ultimate Coca-Cola.

Apparently, this is a tie-in with your dear colleague Mr. Riot’s product, League of Legends. Despite what you might think, I am not actually that much of a gamer, sir, so I am unfamiliar with that game, but as I spent much of my misspent youth playing Dungeons and Dragons with friends, I did approach an XP flavored product with both expectations and apprehension.

You may have thought at the beginning of this letter, when I mentioned the road trip, that this was a frivolous detail. Sir, I must inform you that it is not, and was in fact at the heart of my apprehension about this particular product. I sat down in my car with my frosty beverage, got back on California Route 1, and once I was on my way down the road I went to uncap the bottle… when I froze.

What would happen, I asked myself, if I consumed this XP potion and leveled up right on the spot? Much of California 1 is a twisty road that runs along a cliff – what would happen if I was suddenly distracted by a cutscene full of flashing stars, what if I was lifted in the air and started spinning in front of a rainbow star wipe on the spot? Would I become dizzy? When I was deposited back in my car seat, would I be distracted and accidentally drive off the nearest cliff, or into a giant redwood, killing both myself and a tree that is older than this country in which I live?

The cutscene wasn’t all I was worried about, though! I may not have been transported away, but what if I had to pick my new level right then and there? Would I be able to multiclass into the most annoying bard/cleric/fighter/barbarian/monk/sorcerer ever? Would a HUD drop down in front of me, forcing me to quickly just take a second level of paladin so as to unblock my view of the road? Would I have to search for a soft shoulder I could pull off onto so I would have the chance to consider which stats to dump my new bonuses into instead of accidentally dropping them all into comeliness?

I decided I couldn’t risk it. I sadly stashed the soda in the backseat so I wouldn’t be tempted by it during our long road trip, and waited to consume it until I got home.

Now, I also approached this soda with expectations. I have tried – and written you letters about – all of your Coca-Cola “Creations” products, sir, and I must say I am a little bit disappointed in the inaccuracies in your branding. I have tried what I believe are all your “Creations” products, and I do not believe for one second that this will be the last. I believe you’re somewhat addicted to conceptual soda flavors, which means when you find your next weird concept to attach fruit flavors to, this one will suddenly be retconned into becoming Coca-Cola Penultimate. Usually retconning only happens in certain circumstances in series: a change in writer, a change in ownership of the trademark, a certain need to refresh a series and make it more modern. One certainly never expects it with the next issue of a comic, however in your case, sir – assuming you don’t scrap the Creations line, and I can’t imagine you doing so – you will require a retcon to make this The New Penultimate sometime in the next few months.

The expectations I felt, sir, were simple. I wasn’t sure what XP would taste like, but after many hours spent playing Dungeons and Dragons, I knew one thing: XP should taste like winning. And after trying all of these conceptual colas of yours, I was pretty sure this particular soda would taste like anything but winning. In fact, I’m not even sure I’d describe regular Coke as tasting like winning, unless your main goal in life was to score a free Duralast 12-volt marine battery at the local VFW bingo game, drive it down to the coast, walk out upon a jetty, and toss it in the ocean. Achieving that particular goal is the flavor equivalent of the Coca-Cola:Winning Axis. 

I will note here, for the record, sir, that this is a goal I have never aspired to.

You might be wondering, sir, what I think winning must taste like. I’m not sure, in truth, but to paraphrase Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart, when he was asked what pornography was: “I know it when I taste it.”

Even if it didn’t taste like winning, it could have still been okay. It could taste like points. As everyone who has ever played a video game knows, points are *delicious.* Mario Mario and Luigi Mario would never try to collect so many if they weren’t tasty; hell, both Mr. and Mrs. Pac-Man literally get points by eating them. Every gamer, everyone who has ever even glanced at a video game knows, deep in their hearts, that points are quite literally the most delicious concept possible. 

Unfortunately… well. We all know what your devil’s brew tastes like, sir. Even the Ultimate variations.

Once I was home, I considered this bottle of cola for a while, then decided I needed more context about what League of Legends was all about, thinking that it might help provide me with an idea of how someone like yourself, obviously an avid competitive gamer, would conceptualize XP. So I went out and bought a copy – nah, I’m fucking with you. I asked a friend who plays a lot of video games. Normally I wouldn’t quote another person in one of these letters, but he thought this particular cola would taste like nerd rage and sweaty palms (I’m assuming not the coconut or date variety) because “[League of Legends] players are some of tbe[sic] worst humans. If we lived in a Mad Max timeline, they would be the cannibal freaks wearing other peoples faces and riding around on people in gimp suits.”

What a vivid image! I hope you considered how other folks might view your brand after embarking on this particular partnership with Mr. Rage, sir.

Finally, sir, I could stall no more. It was time to finally embark upon the flavor journey that is +XP Flavored Ultimate Coca-Cola. What might it actually taste like? To recap, our list of potential flavors are: Winning, Points, Corroded Battery Terminals, Nerd Rage, Sweaty Palms. After all this speculations, what might it actually taste like?

Fucking pears.

I’m not even disappointed, sir. I’m more… bewildered? Like. I get pear soda at Eastern European markets all the time, and the single pear soda rule is: the more Cyrillic on the label, the better it is. This is absolutely the worst pear-flavored soda I have ever consumed, and not just because of the complete lack of Cyrillic lettering. No, it’s more the absolutely confusing combination of Coca-Cola, bubblegum, and pear. I can’t identify which particular cultivar of pear it tastes like, but I’m 100% sure it’s one of the invasive ones.

This cannot possibly be what XP, or even points, taste like. If this beverage does indeed grant XP, it’s gonna be, like, 2 points. And since I can’t finish the bottle, I guess I won’t even get one of those. It’s the amount of XP you’d get for vanquishing a particularly vicious pear – not even a pear tree. A fruit. A fruit probably entirely lacking in teeth, or a sword.

All of this, sir, is to say: I have an idea for you. If you’re going to persist in this strange hobby of conceptual sodas, and insist on going down the path of XP flavored sodas, perhaps you should consider adding a row to the Nutritional Facts that are printed on the back of the label. People might worry less about driving off a cliff after being distracted by a cutscene if they knew that the XP potions you are selling as innocent sodas are extremely unlikely to cause a sudden level-up in the middle of whatever they might be doing while drinking your beverages. Right there, right between Total Carbohydrates and Protein, a single line: Experience Points, 2, 0% of your RDV.

After all, you’re not going to sell more of these conceptual beverages based on taste, so you might as well not scare off customers through threat of distracting HUD overlays.

Sincerely,

Alex Parise