Dear Mr. Banquet

Historical note: “Sad Bachelor’s Dear Mr. Corporation COVID Thanksgiving Extravaganza 2020!”, continued!

Dear Mr. Banquet,

I just sat down and ate three of your frozen pot pies -- Salisbury Steak, Chicken, and Beef -- and I am writing you now to congratulate you on your Nobel-worthy achievement. I am so impressed with your groundbreaking work in the area of gelling cold seawater into different forms and wrapping those novel formulations in a thin pastry crust, then freezing the pies and not having the entire shebang dissolve into normal seawater either on freezing or on reheating… Frankly, Mr. Banquet, this is genius work.

With a mind like yours, Mr. Banquet, able to solve problems that normal humans would find intractable, it’s even more impressive that you’re content to remain a simple frozen pot pie purveyor. It’s humbling. I’d normally expect a gentleman of your mental stature to say, no, I will be the one to beat Elon Musk to space, and then do it with panache, using only seawater, and with far better branding than Elon Musk has to offer. Instead, you’ve kept your seawater polymerization secrets to yourself, yet shared this bounty with the Common Man.

Even more impressively, you’ve managed to sell three different pot pies, all made of the same seawater (though with differing amounts of carrot and pea-shaped seawater cubes) as three different items, even though they taste almost identical, look almost identical, and smell almost identical. I know for a fact that somewhere out there, in this great wide world of ours, that there is a five year old boy who will ONLY eat your chicken pot pies, and would snub your salisbury steak deep dish pies, even though they’re functionally identical. Genius. Pure genius.

But yet, this isn’t the end of the glory. As I’m sure you’re aware, Dr. Salisbury was essentially the Dr. Atkins of the 1800s, and that man hated carbohydrates. Did you know Dr. Salisbury, Mr. Banquet? Did he snub you at your shared golf club? Did he steal your ladylove from you? Is that why you took his “healthful” contribution to the American diet, faked it out of congealed seawater, and trolled the hell out of him by wrapping it in his most hated pastry? Or were you even more sinister? Did you steal his ladylove from him, and then follow up that crushing blow with the finishing move of wrapping his healthy meaty patty in a blanket of his most hated carbohydrates?

Maybe I’m wrong, Mr. Banquet. Maybe you are Elon Musk. Or if not Elon Musk, a similar level of supervillain. Do you have a island hideout somewhere, with a shark tank and a gator moat and lasers and bees and bees with lasers that shoot sharks out of their mouths? Is that where your factory is located, with your seawater harvesting operation? Don’t worry, Mr. Banquet. Your secret is safe with me. I shan’t tell either of your nemeses - Dr Salisbury or Elon Musk - your secret.

Yours, in health and seawater,

Alex Parise

[Originally published 11/26/2020]