Alex Parise

Dear Mr. Hormel

You absolute coward. I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I said to myself, perhaps he is a visionary. Perhaps he knows something we all don’t. Perhaps all those thoughts are wrong, and he’s simply a comedian, and he’s willing to commit to

Dear Mr. Humanity

I recently acquired a jar of your new product, the Clam-O-Naise bivalve-focused mayonnaise, and wanted to express to you my admiration and sincere thanks. For years now, I’ve firmly believed that you could not produce something worse than your eponymous card game, and when I learned of the existence

Dear Mr. Kellogg

I am writing you today with some grave concerns about a product you have recently released. In the week since I acquired this product, things in my home have… changed. And not for the better. It was recently brought to my attention that you had, in an unexpected move for

Dear Mr. Depot

Dear Mr. Depot, Recently, in a moment of deep personal misfortune, I found myself at one of your fine outposts here in Oregon. Now I realize that my beloved Oregon is the on the fringes of the rapidly expanding American Empire, and that as a hipster penal colony here on

Dear Mr. Cola [Dreamworld Edition]

I recently had the opportunity to try your new, “limited edition” Dreamworld Coca-Cola, and while I’m tempted to say I don’t know what in the John Dee Hell is going on over there, it’s more disturbing than that – I have an idea what’s going on over

Dear Mr. Kat

Iä! Iä! Kathulhu fhtagn! Climbing from the extruder abyssal To dangle tongues on flavor’s thistle, Soon will come the Great and Dreaded Kit Kats! To destroy Reese’s, with flavour bats Come at last with no caveats 'Til o'er all the candy aisle they reign, the

Dear Mr. Reese

Among folks of a certain ilk, the banana is held up as a paragon of intelligent design. Look at how well it fits in your hand, they say; look at this fruit that comes in it’s own convenient easy-peel packaging; look at this fruit that barely has seeds; look,

Dear Mr. Cola

This year has brought many tragedies — plague, war, heatwaves, the continued existence of celery — but for me personally, chief among them — well, not chief, more like second or third from the bottom, really it was very minor, it barely blipped my radar, actually more of a disappointment, or maybe more

Dear Mr. Signatures

Historical note: “Sad Bachelor’s Dear Mr. Corporation COVID Thanksgiving Extravaganza 2020!”, the Final Post. Dear Mr. Signatures, Listen man, we have to talk. Creativity is ok. Truly it is. Everyone should be creative. But true creativity isn’t just throwing words together into a maximalist salad. Caramel Cookie Crust

Dear Mr. Whip

Historical note: “Sad Bachelor’s Dear Mr. Corporation COVID Thanksgiving Extravaganza 2020!”, continued! Dear Mr. Whip, In the history of Hollywood, that city where Dreams are made (and Whipped into shape (see what I did there? Rimshot!)) sometime in the 80s, certain directors thought that the movies that were being

Dear Mr. Banquet

Historical note: “Sad Bachelor’s Dear Mr. Corporation COVID Thanksgiving Extravaganza 2020!”, continued! Dear Mr. Banquet, I just sat down and ate three of your frozen pot pies -- Salisbury Steak, Chicken, and Beef -- and I am writing you now to congratulate you on your Nobel-worthy achievement. I am

Dear Mr. Idahoan

Historical note: “Sad Bachelor’s Dear Mr. Corporation COVID Thanksgiving Extravaganza 2020!”, continued! Dear Mr. Idahoan, Your Baby Reds Mashed Potatoes - a version of your standard mashed potatoes that I assume was invented the day a peeling machine went down and started leaving some peels behind, and y’all