Alex Parise

Dear Mr. Cola [Y3000 Edition]

Dear Mr. Cola, It has been two months since my last letter. This letter, somehow, marks the sixth (!) time I’ve written to you about one of your “fine” products. It’s a shame, really - despite all my missives asking after your well-being and mental health, given the acid-addled

Dear Mr. Flip

I don’t know if you remember the nineties, but it was a time chock full of some really irritating bullshit. No, I don’t mean to talk about nonsense like “only 90s kids will remember pogs or Nirvana or idk jorts.” I’m talking about the birth of neoliberalism

Dear Mr. Seven

In this debased age we find ourselves in, it is perhaps expected that you, staid and boring as you are, would eventually glom onto the newest trend in carbonated hummingbird food and make some outlandish, unnecessary flavor of your soda. In fact, once your colleague Mr. Pepper decided to do

Dear Mr. Omni

Finally! Right now, mankind faces some of the greatest existential threats it has ever faced. Global warming. AI-generated content making the internet worthless. Mass extinctions. Mr. Bell’s glorious telephones being made absolutely useless because of all the scam calls. So many others! Amongst all these crises, your company has

Dear Mr. CupNoodles

I know that you are now a famous, widely-respected noodle kingpin, but I am right now imagining you, sir, back in your salad days, working fourteen hour days in the un-air-conditioned kitchen in the back of your family’s noodle shack in your hometown of Gardena, seasoning the broth with

Dear Mr. Pepper, DDS,

In the last year or so, our world has seen a massive proliferation of joke sodas. It used to be that only the feral madmen over at the concern of your colleague, Mr. Dew, would, on the regular, load flavor syrups into their SuperSoakerShotgun, close their eyes, spin the barrel,

Dear Mr. Cola [+XP Edition]

I find myself in the unfortunate position of writing you once again, sir, because I recently found myself in the excellent situation of taking a road trip with my most lovely ladyfriend, and on that road trip unfortunately came across yet another of your new line of conceptually flavored sodas,

Dear Mr. Haul

I recently, once again, had the great personal misfortune to require the services of your local concern. This should come of no surprise to you – it is something of an American tradition to be in circumstances and, when one is in those circumstances, to turn to your network of shops

Dear Mr. Pepsi

I’ll admit it right here and now: I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I won’t deny that when when I learned of the existence of your PEPSI x PEEPS marshmallow-cola flavored mineral water, I was disgusted. The gorge, sir, did indeed rise in my throat. But

Dear Mr. Cola [Move Edition]

Are you… okay over there, buddy? This is my third letter to you in the last nine months, because you keep releasing these “new” “limited edition” “flavors” and the only real way I can accurately describe this release parade of yours is: increasingly unhinged. First, we had Starlight flavored Coke.

Dear Mr. Food

I have recently purchased and tried a bag of your Limited Holiday Edition Merry Berry Popcorn Mix, with Cap’n Crunch “Crunch Berries,” and I suppose that congratulations are in order – y’all have somehow packaged, marketed, and sold (for Good American Dollars) a product that a 16-year-old stoner would

Dear Mr. Hormel

You absolute coward. I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I said to myself, perhaps he is a visionary. Perhaps he knows something we all don’t. Perhaps all those thoughts are wrong, and he’s simply a comedian, and he’s willing to commit to